Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
