I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
