Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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