Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
