I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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