i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize