porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
