My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
you are never too drunk for berry picking
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
