im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
