it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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