but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
