Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
