hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
