Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
