It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize