Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
