What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
