I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
