I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
