I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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