You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
im about as happy as oj after his trial
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
