So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
