I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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