the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
