I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
