what if every blade of grass was a penis?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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