i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
