I feel like abortions should bother me more
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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