i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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