heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
