I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
