wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize