I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize