My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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