Who wears a wallet chain?!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
sex in a hospital.. check
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
