i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize