did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
