What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
whose parrot is this?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
