I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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