That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I believe in your delicious
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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