70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Randomize
