Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
