connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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