I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
