dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
