Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
