just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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