i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
