Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
