omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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