i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
