dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I have tasted many bathrooms
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize