I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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