I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
As shirtless as possible
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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