I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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