So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
