Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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