I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
