I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
