She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
