i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
