dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
