did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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