Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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